Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's day


After all this time of having you in forefront of my mind, it still seems strange that we have never met. It is sadder yet that we most likely never will. I might never get to thank you or let you know that I have prayed for you and that my anger at you was very fleeting. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to yell at you and tell you what you are missing, but I look at our son, and I know that Oskar is love, and he would never want me to be mad at you. Besides half of him came from you, so I love you too. That's just how I'm made. Still, I think of you on your birthday, his birthday, and mother's day especially. I hope that you have peace, and most of all I have peace now because you know Oskar is okay. Though you didn't ask for details, you know he is loved and happy, and I sleep better at night.

However, I pray that one day you look, and I keep this blog open for one reason, and that is for you. I decided to keep it open when I discovered Estonian people were able to find it online. I also kept his name too, Oskar. I didn't have the heart to change it because I knew it would make it harder to find him one day if you tried. You were always on my mind. I gave you the benefit of the doubt, and when I grew to love our son, I knew that you were part of the package.

Kristiina, I don't know that you care about any of this. I don't know that you wonder about Oskar. I don't know that you grieve, but I feel something deep inside that makes me think that maybe you do. So, Happy mother's day. Yes, I choose to share my day of joy with you as well. Oskar is too little to understand much. I've told him he came from another woman's tummy, but any more than that confuses him. Don't worry though, one day he will know the truth and I will only tell him good things about you. He won't be angry, and God willing he won't be hurt either. You see, our son is special. He has this incredibly huge heart. He is very accepting and he has this ability to find joy like no one I have ever known. He wakes up smiling and goes to sleep the same way. Oskar can't stay mad for long.

Happy mother's day. Thank you for giving me my 4th child. Don't you ever worry about him either. I love him enough for the both of us. If this ever finds its way to you, please know that I am more than willing to send you pictures, and if you ever get your life together and he wants to meet you, I am open to that too. Kristiina, you are my family too. God bless and we love you.

Shea(Oskar's 2nd mother)

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