Sunday, September 26, 2010

I'm more than just my children,

I don't talk or write very much about my mother. Seems like if I have nothing nice to say I should not say anything at all. That's not really fair because she did have good qualities, few and far, but everyone has good in them. I digress though. My mother's life was not about her children. It was a sad life and she lived only in the past. My mother was put into the foster care system at age 13, and her life before then was not anything nice to talk about. I'm not exactly sure why she chose to have children or keep them, but there were 3 of us. Still, we were not the most important part of her life, we mostly just took up space in her world, and anything good that happened to or for us came at a cost. When I had children I decided all of that would be different. I made my life all about my babies. Every choice I have made as an adult surrounds them and what is best for them. Unfortunately, that comes at a cost. I have not and do not take very good care of myself. I have few guilty pleasures and have trouble buying much of anything for myself. I think all of that is going to change. Last night we went van shopping. We are not going to buy something right away, but we are looking. Right beside the vans was a convertible. Suddenly it hit me, I am buying the van for my kids, so they can be comfortable. My whole life has been for them, maybe it's about time I include myself it in it too. Stay posted, things are going to change. They may be small things, but I am going to start doing something for myself because one thing is for certain, if I don't do it, it's probably not going to happen :)

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Okay, so sometimes I kind of get frustrated. I just want my kids to be appreciative, which most of the time they really are. I gave O a supplement shake which he loves. We had been out for several weeks. He got so excited and asked me why did I do that, why did I buy them for him. Every day with him is a gift. Miri is a teenager and convinced I know nothing. BUT she does help me so much around the house. She also surprises me sometimes and just does little things to make my life easier. She makes the little's lunch every day. A.J., well no one is like drama momma. 90% of any issues with her related back to her ocd. She gets so focused on 1 thing of her choosing that she rarely can think of anything else. An example: if you tell A.J. you are going on vacation, she is packed a month in advance. So any time we do anything special, even like riding bikes, we have to tell her right before. We have had friends who asked A.J. a few days before we were due to go on a trip was she looking forward to vacation. A.J. will look at me and ask if we are going somewhere because we still haven't told her yet lol. Andy is grown or so he thinks. Bubba is 21 now and has just figured out that being on his won is not much fun. No problem though, I will always have his back. Hubs is....well, there is no one quite like him. I'll just leave it at that :)

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Sometimes I wonder. I wonder if my children will ever know just how hard I try to do my best for them. I wonder if they really comprehend that I only work to give them the things they want. All of income from my checks go straight to private school tuition, karate, horses, movies, mall trips, college books, gas for Andy and help with his bills. Every other week I go out and buy myself lunch(a cheap one usually from the dollar menu) or maybe a kids meal for breakfast. That's it. I am not complaining. I adore my babies, I just wish they would appreciate the things I do for them a little more. It hurts to see them take the things I work so hard to given them for granted. It hurts for them to think I am too strict, and it seems like as much as I give, it is never enough. Being a mother is hard, being a good mother is even harder............