Saturday, October 8, 2011

Dear Kristiina,

He asked for you. I knew it was only a matter of time. I waited for the day to come. He talked about you with his sister this week when I wasn't around. He cried saying you were not able to take care of him. I did not bring it up; I waited for him to ask me. A few days later he wanted to talk about you. He wants to know you. He says he wished he could be a baby again so he could just see you. He calls you his mom. He asked if you were still sick, and I said I did not think so. His whole face lit up and he smiled so eager and asked if he could go see you then.

I'm not sure what is the right thing to say. I don't know what you would wish me to tell him, and I don't feel like I can speak for you and your choices. I only know you gave him life, left him somewhere safe, and if that is not love, I don't know what is. I don't feel threatened like I wondered if I might. I'm not afraid he won't love me too. I just feel pain. There is nothing I would not do for our son, but he wants you, and I can't give him that. I don't know how. I don't have a picture, a letter, or even know anything about you. I don't know what makes you laugh, what you are afraid of, or what your childhood was like. I have nothing to give him but myself.

Sometimes I feel like I am chasing a ghost. I imagine in his eyes you are perfect and wonderful. That's okay too, mother's should be that way to their children. I hope one day I will be able to find out more about you, something good and comforting that will give Oskar peace. I'm not sure you can imagine how great my love is for him. Of course, you have your own feelings, but I fought for him. I sacrificed, and I gave up everything I had to get him home. Yet, I know you gave up part of yourself to let him go. I never forget that either. I still love him enough for you too.

Oskar saved me. He brought back my faith in humanity. He reminded me that God loves me. I only hope one day he can give those gifts to you as well. Whether you know it or not, you are missing out on one hell of a child. His smile will brighten the darkest day. His mischievousness will make you laugh until you cry. His imagination leaves you scratching your head. His kindness will surprise you. His love makes you feel like one of the luckiest people in the world because he makes you earn it. To be in Oskar's world you have to work at it, but once you are in his heart, you stay there forever. I put you in his heart, you know. I told him only good things about you, even though I know so little. It was my gift to you in return for what you gave me.

One day I hope the two of you will at least know more about each other. Until then I try and be the best mother I can be to our son.