Saturday, May 28, 2011

Here's a cool chance to help an orphan and win an ipad or a gas card! This wonderful friend of mine is trying to adopt a wonderful little boy and save him from life in the mental institution. The give away is only on for a few more days. Take a chance and try to win something super cool and help a precious little boy find his mommy!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

I tried

Before adopting O I had these grand ideas of how I would keep HIS culture alive. I studied Estonia. I read everything I could get my hands on. I talked to Estonians too. I wanted to know the dynamics of the country, what the people thought and felt. Heck, I even painted his room in 2 colors of the Estonian flag. As Americans, we have such a strong sense of country and pride, and I wanted to know exactly why they did too. I wanted to give that to Oskar. O kept his Eesti language much longer than most adopted kids his age. I made him speak it. When he forgot it, I tried to make him remember. I let him watch Eesti movies and videos. Each day I reminded him of who he was and the country he came from.

I tried really hard to raise an Estonian/American son. I had to try. I TOOK him from his country, so I tried to let him keep what he could of it. In the end, it was all in vain. My 6 year old son told me recently he is not Eesti; he is American. Don't mistake that phrase for him not having pride in his birthplace. He does! He loves Estonia, and he he calls it 'my Estonia'. He wants to go back there to visit, and he gets so happy when I show him pictures. However, he knows where he belongs. He knows America means family, acceptance, and a future. He just did not have that in Estonia.

I used to have these dreams before we adopted. I was afraid that his mother would show up when we went to Estonia and want to take him home. I was scared to death. All the while I knew that if she would of straightened herself up, I could never say no. I would have helped her take care of him financially. As grateful as I am for my son, I did not want to take him from his birthplace, but I wanted him to live and have a family, and no one in Estonia was willing to make that happen. It hurt then, and it hurts now, and I know so many will never understand that. I was the last resort. My son was placed in the orphanage 2 weeks after birth(first two weeks were in the hospital), and no one came for him until I did.

My son doesn't understand very much about adoption. O is a take it or leave it kind of guy. I ask him lots of questions, and I do try to explain many things, but O....tells me to get over it. If I call him Eesti, he reminds me he is not anymore. I can't tell you how many times he told me he waited too long for me. He actually says that. He tells me he needed me, and I wasn't there. He also asks why it took me so long to find him. He is not mad though; he found peace a long time ago. I explain, and he says okay and goes off to play. He mentions things, but he lets me know that he still loves me even though it took us too long to find each other. As quickly as he wonders why, he remembers sometimes there just aren't any good answers. When I get sad about it, he hugs me and tells me he loves me.

In everything though, Oskar is joyful. He is so much smarter than I am. He knows that if you look behind you, most likely you can't see what is in front of you. My son has asked me not to call him Estonian anymore, so I will honor his wishes. He wishes to only speak English too, so he will do that as well. I always said this was his life, and I'm just here to guide him. Please don't think though that we are being disrespectful. O WAS an Estonian; he just isn't anymore. He loves where he came from, but he was only there for 5 years, he will be here for much longer. This is HIS AMERICA, and he wants to be as much a part of it as he can be, so he has decided to let go of the past.

I imagine 6 years old is just about the right time a little boy starts thinking about what he wants to be. O doesn't ask for very much, and most of the time he is willing to be whatever I ask of him if he can. He loves nothing more than to see his mommy happy. He would seriously stand on his head if he thought it would please me. So for him to push this issue, I figure it must be pretty important to him. My son wants to get married when he is 20, adopt 13 children from Estonia and have 1 biological child, he wants a fast car with shiny spinning rims, wants a pirate birthday party, and yes, he just wants to be an American. I think I can handle all of that ;)

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Favorite Memory many to choose from....

Has to be when I was baptized. I fought so hard to find God's acceptance with me. Finally I took the plunge and realized that I just had to accept him, and all the rest would fall into place. It was a surreal moment and everything changed. It was the one moment in time when I was sin free. I felt light, happy, and free. I haven't ever felt that way since, and I know until I meet Jesus I won't ever feel that way again. Still, it was worth it, bittersweet, but ever so worth it. I did not do it to join a church, it wasn't an outward sign of my faith to show the world or my community. I did it for me, and I did it for God. I've fought hard to retain my baptism since. Several churches we have wanted us to join have refused membership unless I be re baptized because Church of Christ has no written proof of my baptism or membership for that matter. That cuts deep to know that a church can say my first baptism was not good enough for them, so I have never joined a church, and most likely never will. My baptism was the most important day or my life, and no one will ever say it was not god enough, not ever.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's day


After all this time of having you in forefront of my mind, it still seems strange that we have never met. It is sadder yet that we most likely never will. I might never get to thank you or let you know that I have prayed for you and that my anger at you was very fleeting. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to yell at you and tell you what you are missing, but I look at our son, and I know that Oskar is love, and he would never want me to be mad at you. Besides half of him came from you, so I love you too. That's just how I'm made. Still, I think of you on your birthday, his birthday, and mother's day especially. I hope that you have peace, and most of all I have peace now because you know Oskar is okay. Though you didn't ask for details, you know he is loved and happy, and I sleep better at night.

However, I pray that one day you look, and I keep this blog open for one reason, and that is for you. I decided to keep it open when I discovered Estonian people were able to find it online. I also kept his name too, Oskar. I didn't have the heart to change it because I knew it would make it harder to find him one day if you tried. You were always on my mind. I gave you the benefit of the doubt, and when I grew to love our son, I knew that you were part of the package.

Kristiina, I don't know that you care about any of this. I don't know that you wonder about Oskar. I don't know that you grieve, but I feel something deep inside that makes me think that maybe you do. So, Happy mother's day. Yes, I choose to share my day of joy with you as well. Oskar is too little to understand much. I've told him he came from another woman's tummy, but any more than that confuses him. Don't worry though, one day he will know the truth and I will only tell him good things about you. He won't be angry, and God willing he won't be hurt either. You see, our son is special. He has this incredibly huge heart. He is very accepting and he has this ability to find joy like no one I have ever known. He wakes up smiling and goes to sleep the same way. Oskar can't stay mad for long.

Happy mother's day. Thank you for giving me my 4th child. Don't you ever worry about him either. I love him enough for the both of us. If this ever finds its way to you, please know that I am more than willing to send you pictures, and if you ever get your life together and he wants to meet you, I am open to that too. Kristiina, you are my family too. God bless and we love you.

Shea(Oskar's 2nd mother)

Friday, May 6, 2011

Something I've learned

I am not in control of very much. I can't make someone love me, I can't make someone be good, I can't make my children do what they should, I can't make someone stop hurting someone, I can't make someone live by their beliefs, I can't predict the future, I can't do many things.

There is still a lot I can do. I can be me. I can love. I can hang on. I can hurry up and wait. I CAN change the world. I can stop selling out. I can be the person God meant me to be. There is NO ONE like me in this world. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not, but I am here, and by damn it when I leave, people are going to remember I was here.