Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Sometimes I feel guilty. I hear other's struggles in the adoption community, and I feel bad. I wonder why ours went so well. I think about O, and I wonder if I paint this rosy picture, if I make stuff unrealistic. It isn't like he is really perfect. We do have behavioral challenges. Our other kids have had adjustment issues as well. I guess though......nothing really seemed that big....to me. It might have to another family though. See, having already raised Andy, I knew about challenges. I expected the worst, and when I didn't get it, I was fine with whatever came along. I fought so hard for O. It was more than paperwork and money, red tape and delays, tears and prayers. More than anything, I almost lost everything during our adoption, and yes, I mean EVERYTHING. I learned to relinquish my pride. Few know what I did to bring my son home, and few ever will. Not many would do what I did, but I made a promise, and if you can't keep a promise to an orphan, then I really believe you fall apart inside. My son was worth it, and he still would have been worth it if he was a rotten mean little spit fire. After all, who defines worth? God does. So, though I have a lot of holes in the walls, a kid with adhd whose favorite words right now are barnacle butt, it's all good. I didnt ask for a perfect child or even a well behaved one, though he does try. I asked God for Oskar and the chance to love him. I promised if he would bring my son home, I could handle the rest, and so I did. I find though when things get hard and he spirals out of control, he stops if I can just touch him or look in his eyes. He knows....Oskar knows I think he hung the moon and stars, and in return, he allows himself to belong to me. We belong together I think. We were born to be together. I could not imagine a more perfect fit. Though we have a million flaws, together we work. Oskar is who he is. I'm only here to watch his back and show him God's love, so everything falls into place. I don't worry about much. He will be just fine, and so will we all.18 months of pain, pure heartwrenching pain to bring him home, nothing hurts much after that. One touch from him, and I am healed. After all this time I still look at him and am amazed that God loved me so much that he gave me a perfect miracle. I don't deserve to be loved and trusted so much. My sweet dear little boy, little O, my dream come true.