Roosamanna is being made. Oskar is very happy. Have a good Thanksgiving everyone!!
Saturday, October 8, 2011
He asked for you. I knew it was only a matter of time. I waited for the day to come. He talked about you with his sister this week when I wasn't around. He cried saying you were not able to take care of him. I did not bring it up; I waited for him to ask me. A few days later he wanted to talk about you. He wants to know you. He says he wished he could be a baby again so he could just see you. He calls you his mom. He asked if you were still sick, and I said I did not think so. His whole face lit up and he smiled so eager and asked if he could go see you then.
I'm not sure what is the right thing to say. I don't know what you would wish me to tell him, and I don't feel like I can speak for you and your choices. I only know you gave him life, left him somewhere safe, and if that is not love, I don't know what is. I don't feel threatened like I wondered if I might. I'm not afraid he won't love me too. I just feel pain. There is nothing I would not do for our son, but he wants you, and I can't give him that. I don't know how. I don't have a picture, a letter, or even know anything about you. I don't know what makes you laugh, what you are afraid of, or what your childhood was like. I have nothing to give him but myself.
Sometimes I feel like I am chasing a ghost. I imagine in his eyes you are perfect and wonderful. That's okay too, mother's should be that way to their children. I hope one day I will be able to find out more about you, something good and comforting that will give Oskar peace. I'm not sure you can imagine how great my love is for him. Of course, you have your own feelings, but I fought for him. I sacrificed, and I gave up everything I had to get him home. Yet, I know you gave up part of yourself to let him go. I never forget that either. I still love him enough for you too.
Oskar saved me. He brought back my faith in humanity. He reminded me that God loves me. I only hope one day he can give those gifts to you as well. Whether you know it or not, you are missing out on one hell of a child. His smile will brighten the darkest day. His mischievousness will make you laugh until you cry. His imagination leaves you scratching your head. His kindness will surprise you. His love makes you feel like one of the luckiest people in the world because he makes you earn it. To be in Oskar's world you have to work at it, but once you are in his heart, you stay there forever. I put you in his heart, you know. I told him only good things about you, even though I know so little. It was my gift to you in return for what you gave me.
One day I hope the two of you will at least know more about each other. Until then I try and be the best mother I can be to our son.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Sometimes I feel guilty. I hear other's struggles in the adoption community, and I feel bad. I wonder why ours went so well. I think about O, and I wonder if I paint this rosy picture, if I make stuff unrealistic. It isn't like he is really perfect. We do have behavioral challenges. Our other kids have had adjustment issues as well. I guess though......nothing really seemed that big....to me. It might have to another family though. See, having already raised Andy, I knew about challenges. I expected the worst, and when I didn't get it, I was fine with whatever came along. I fought so hard for O. It was more than paperwork and money, red tape and delays, tears and prayers. More than anything, I almost lost everything during our adoption, and yes, I mean EVERYTHING. I learned to relinquish my pride. Few know what I did to bring my son home, and few ever will. Not many would do what I did, but I made a promise, and if you can't keep a promise to an orphan, then I really believe you fall apart inside. My son was worth it, and he still would have been worth it if he was a rotten mean little spit fire. After all, who defines worth? God does. So, though I have a lot of holes in the walls, a kid with adhd whose favorite words right now are barnacle butt, it's all good. I didnt ask for a perfect child or even a well behaved one, though he does try. I asked God for Oskar and the chance to love him. I promised if he would bring my son home, I could handle the rest, and so I did. I find though when things get hard and he spirals out of control, he stops if I can just touch him or look in his eyes. He knows....Oskar knows I think he hung the moon and stars, and in return, he allows himself to belong to me. We belong together I think. We were born to be together. I could not imagine a more perfect fit. Though we have a million flaws, together we work. Oskar is who he is. I'm only here to watch his back and show him God's love, so everything falls into place. I don't worry about much. He will be just fine, and so will we all.18 months of pain, pure heartwrenching pain to bring him home, nothing hurts much after that. One touch from him, and I am healed. After all this time I still look at him and am amazed that God loved me so much that he gave me a perfect miracle. I don't deserve to be loved and trusted so much. My sweet dear little boy, little O, my dream come true.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
I tried really hard to raise an Estonian/American son. I had to try. I TOOK him from his country, so I tried to let him keep what he could of it. In the end, it was all in vain. My 6 year old son told me recently he is not Eesti; he is American. Don't mistake that phrase for him not having pride in his birthplace. He does! He loves Estonia, and he he calls it 'my Estonia'. He wants to go back there to visit, and he gets so happy when I show him pictures. However, he knows where he belongs. He knows America means family, acceptance, and a future. He just did not have that in Estonia.
I used to have these dreams before we adopted. I was afraid that his mother would show up when we went to Estonia and want to take him home. I was scared to death. All the while I knew that if she would of straightened herself up, I could never say no. I would have helped her take care of him financially. As grateful as I am for my son, I did not want to take him from his birthplace, but I wanted him to live and have a family, and no one in Estonia was willing to make that happen. It hurt then, and it hurts now, and I know so many will never understand that. I was the last resort. My son was placed in the orphanage 2 weeks after birth(first two weeks were in the hospital), and no one came for him until I did.
My son doesn't understand very much about adoption. O is a take it or leave it kind of guy. I ask him lots of questions, and I do try to explain many things, but O....tells me to get over it. If I call him Eesti, he reminds me he is not anymore. I can't tell you how many times he told me he waited too long for me. He actually says that. He tells me he needed me, and I wasn't there. He also asks why it took me so long to find him. He is not mad though; he found peace a long time ago. I explain, and he says okay and goes off to play. He mentions things, but he lets me know that he still loves me even though it took us too long to find each other. As quickly as he wonders why, he remembers sometimes there just aren't any good answers. When I get sad about it, he hugs me and tells me he loves me.
In everything though, Oskar is joyful. He is so much smarter than I am. He knows that if you look behind you, most likely you can't see what is in front of you. My son has asked me not to call him Estonian anymore, so I will honor his wishes. He wishes to only speak English too, so he will do that as well. I always said this was his life, and I'm just here to guide him. Please don't think though that we are being disrespectful. O WAS an Estonian; he just isn't anymore. He loves where he came from, but he was only there for 5 years, he will be here for much longer. This is HIS AMERICA, and he wants to be as much a part of it as he can be, so he has decided to let go of the past.
I imagine 6 years old is just about the right time a little boy starts thinking about what he wants to be. O doesn't ask for very much, and most of the time he is willing to be whatever I ask of him if he can. He loves nothing more than to see his mommy happy. He would seriously stand on his head if he thought it would please me. So for him to push this issue, I figure it must be pretty important to him. My son wants to get married when he is 20, adopt 13 children from Estonia and have 1 biological child, he wants a fast car with shiny spinning rims, wants a pirate birthday party, and yes, he just wants to be an American. I think I can handle all of that ;)
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Has to be when I was baptized. I fought so hard to find God's acceptance with me. Finally I took the plunge and realized that I just had to accept him, and all the rest would fall into place. It was a surreal moment and everything changed. It was the one moment in time when I was sin free. I felt light, happy, and free. I haven't ever felt that way since, and I know until I meet Jesus I won't ever feel that way again. Still, it was worth it, bittersweet, but ever so worth it. I did not do it to join a church, it wasn't an outward sign of my faith to show the world or my community. I did it for me, and I did it for God. I've fought hard to retain my baptism since. Several churches we have wanted us to join have refused membership unless I be re baptized because Church of Christ has no written proof of my baptism or membership for that matter. That cuts deep to know that a church can say my first baptism was not good enough for them, so I have never joined a church, and most likely never will. My baptism was the most important day or my life, and no one will ever say it was not god enough, not ever.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
After all this time of having you in forefront of my mind, it still seems strange that we have never met. It is sadder yet that we most likely never will. I might never get to thank you or let you know that I have prayed for you and that my anger at you was very fleeting. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to yell at you and tell you what you are missing, but I look at our son, and I know that Oskar is love, and he would never want me to be mad at you. Besides half of him came from you, so I love you too. That's just how I'm made. Still, I think of you on your birthday, his birthday, and mother's day especially. I hope that you have peace, and most of all I have peace now because you know Oskar is okay. Though you didn't ask for details, you know he is loved and happy, and I sleep better at night.
However, I pray that one day you look, and I keep this blog open for one reason, and that is for you. I decided to keep it open when I discovered Estonian people were able to find it online. I also kept his name too, Oskar. I didn't have the heart to change it because I knew it would make it harder to find him one day if you tried. You were always on my mind. I gave you the benefit of the doubt, and when I grew to love our son, I knew that you were part of the package.
Kristiina, I don't know that you care about any of this. I don't know that you wonder about Oskar. I don't know that you grieve, but I feel something deep inside that makes me think that maybe you do. So, Happy mother's day. Yes, I choose to share my day of joy with you as well. Oskar is too little to understand much. I've told him he came from another woman's tummy, but any more than that confuses him. Don't worry though, one day he will know the truth and I will only tell him good things about you. He won't be angry, and God willing he won't be hurt either. You see, our son is special. He has this incredibly huge heart. He is very accepting and he has this ability to find joy like no one I have ever known. He wakes up smiling and goes to sleep the same way. Oskar can't stay mad for long.
Happy mother's day. Thank you for giving me my 4th child. Don't you ever worry about him either. I love him enough for the both of us. If this ever finds its way to you, please know that I am more than willing to send you pictures, and if you ever get your life together and he wants to meet you, I am open to that too. Kristiina, you are my family too. God bless and we love you.
Shea(Oskar's 2nd mother)
Friday, May 6, 2011
There is still a lot I can do. I can be me. I can love. I can hang on. I can hurry up and wait. I CAN change the world. I can stop selling out. I can be the person God meant me to be. There is NO ONE like me in this world. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not, but I am here, and by damn it when I leave, people are going to remember I was here.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
New Orleans, Louisiana.....I originally decided to vacation there after the hurricane. I wanted to prove that it could be a family vacation place because we all know when someone tells me something not to do, I do it to spite them. I quickly fell in love, and so did my kids. We did a French Quarter walking tour, hurricane Katrina tour, swamp tour, the aquarium, a cooking class, children's museum, and we walked every where. In 5 days we used the car once. I took notes on everything and quizzed them on the way home because I pulled them out of school for the trip. BTW, if you vacation research a viator pass. That how we did so much. I was born to live in New Orleans, and Miranda and her best friend who went with us feel the same way. Both girls want to live in New Orleans when they grow up now. Next to Memphis, it is the one place I long to be. Cajun food is my favorite, the French Quarter feels likes home, and I don't ever feel afraid there. I'm a city girl, always will be, and New Orleans fits me to a tee. I even recently packed Raili in Estonia several types of Cajun food lol.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
My faith is a struggle. Being good is hard for me, and I loose interest easily, not in God or his love, but I have difficulty staying on the straight and narrow. I have a bad temper and only in the recent years have I had the ability to try and think before I react. I'm vengeful, in a not so good way. I'm passive aggressive, so it's my nature to wait maybe even years to get someone back and make sure they never see me coming. I regret those things about me. I am always trying to change and be better. I have faith that one day I can get to where I be and give it all to the man upstairs.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
2. I want kids that don't talk back.
3. I want Christmas to be fun again.
4. I want to laugh.
5. I want to be loved.
6. I want to not loose my temper.
7. I want to save some money
8. I want a fast car.
9. I want an Eesti princess.
10. I want to get to heaven.
2. Life is too short and sometimes terribly long.
3. Not every mother should raise a child or have one for that matter.
4. Blood kinship means very little.
5. Don't do anything half assed.
6. If you look behind you, it is much harder to go forward.
7. Give until it hurts.
8. Your heart can lead you astray. Temper it with enough common sense, but know when to to say to hell with it, hold tight, and hang on for the ride of a lifetime.
9. Spend less time judging.
10. You only get one chance at this living thing. Do it with as little regrets as possible.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Special Victims svu
House Hunters International
Big Bang theory
I don't watch any medical shows that show everyone sleeping with everyone. Enough of that goes on in real life, so no house or grey's anatomy lol
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
If there is one place in the world I want to be, that is it. A couple of years ago we took a cruise to Mexico. I really loved it there. It's warm, the water calls to me, and everything was cheap. That's my kind of place. Life seems a little simpler down there. Miri said she even saw a hot emo guy lol. Whatever, all I know is, if I can ever retire, you better look for me in some little mexican village.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
1. Legends of the fall
2. Some kind of wonderful
3. Gone in 60 seconds
4. Bed of roses(who can't love Christian Slater?)
5. Bridges of Madison Country(my mom looked a little like Meryl Streep)
6. The joy luck club
7. Empire of the sun
8. XXX (with Vin Diesel)
10. Heart Burn
So there you go, those are most of my favorite movies. I guess I should really throw the rocky horror picture show in to be well rounded though.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
From that moment on I belonged to that little boy. The second I got home from school Andy was mine. Into my room he went. I had tons of books, and he would take them all off the shelves and stack them in piles. Every night I would put them back up. I never got onto him once. I got $2 for lunch each day, but it only cost $1.10. I saved that extra money to buy things for Andy. I bought him his very first rattle. He was my everything. If I had a friend spend the night as a teen, Andy was still right beside me. I can't tell you the nights that little boy fell asleep in my arms or I played Sega wee into the middle of night because it made him happy to watch the screen. He was spoiled beyond measure. Our whole family adored him. My mother never spanked Andy. He was the chosen one, and I never had the time to be jealous. It never occurred to me to feel jealousy toward him. I wanted the best for him, and anything good that happened to him was well deserved. I remember taking him on a date one time. The guy was very understanding ;) I promised mom not long after he was born that if anything ever happened to her, I would take care of Andy and raise him.
When I met my husband one of the first things I told him was that we were a package deal. Little did I know my mother would die within a year. Andy went into foster care for a short time. I was 17. I actually went to a lawyer to see what I could do, which of course was nothing. I had to stay under the radar or be taken into state custody myself. Those 6 months were the worst of my life, Andy suffered abuse in the foster home. Our father got Andy back after about 6 months, but neither were ever the same. I truly love my father but those were tough years. He was in no shape or form able to raise a child, so Andy bounced back and forth from me to him. When Andy was 10, and I was 21 I got legal custody of him. I maxed out my first credit card to pay the lawyer and court fees. Within a few years Dad straightened up. I retained custody of Andy, but he saw our dad as much as he liked. We even shared every single Christmas day. We never had a court agreement or visitation stuff, we just worked it out between us. Dad knew Andy needed stability and by that time his health was failing. Still, he was always there for us. He always helped provide whatever Andy needed and often helped his granddaughters out too. It just worked.
Andy is 21 now. There is still nothing in this world I would not do for him, and he feels the same about me. He is good and kind, and the world is a better place just because he is in it. I can't tell you how many times people have said I did some great thing by raising my brother. I don't understand that at all. I PRAYED for him. He was my dream come true. Your damn right I made sure he had everything he ever needed. He was MY BABY, my Andy. My life was better just because he was in it. Andy is so special. All children adore him. My kids scream and jump when he walks into the house. When he moved out and went to college, Miri wore his hoodie for MONTHS. Just seeing him makes me feel better. It's nothing to see us strolling along arm in arm with my head on his shoulder. He was the first person I was ever sure of that loved me, and when he was 3, he promised he would never break my heart. So yes, I was my brother's keeper, and I would have it no other way.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
My parents divorced when I was 2. I can't remember a time when my bio parents were together, thank goodness. They were fire and ice, with more fire mixed in.
Billy was 36 when was born. I think I was a surprise. I take that back, I know I was. As far as I know I was his first daughter. He was wild, a bit of a hippie, and though I am CERTAIN my parents had a passionate relationship, they brought out the worst in each other. My mother was put into foster care at age 13, and her last foster home was to a lady named Mrs. Deaton. She had rental property. My mother collected the rent, and Billy was one of the tenants. My mother was 18 when she married my father and he was 33. I think he must of loved my mother; she was beautiful and wild. Perhaps he thought he could tame her and maybe settle down himself. They were married in blue jeans. She says she thought he was joking when he asked, so she said yes. He played guitar, electric and acoustic. He was very handsome and nothing but trouble. I've been told women liked him quite a bit. He could sing too. He was born in twist Arkansas, the one son with 6 sisters. I have his nose and nothing else. I saw him sporadically until I was age 8 and not again until age 17. I think he would have been a nice man if he could have ever been tamed, but he wasn't the type to settle down. He had a good heart, but men like him seem to always find the darker things in life. He died about a year ago.
Dona was a beautiful enigma to me. My mother was raised by my grandmother and maternal grandmother, my grandma's adoptive mother. It wasn't a good upbringing, though her grandmother adored her. Unfortunately her mother did not. As difficult as my childhood was, my mother's was.....much worse. She wasn't wanted or taken care of very well. I'm leaving much out on purpose. It's not really my story to tell. At the age of 13 she entered state's custody. She bounced from youth homes to foster homes, much of them filled with not nice things. I always donate to teen challenge in memory of her. I'm not sure what was worse her home life or the foster homes. She only spoke bits and pieces though tears. My mother fell fast and hard in love with a man named Chase at 18 years old. He was more trouble than my father actually. She went to New York on the back of a Harley with him one time. Unfortunately, he was in trouble with the law. I'll leave the details of that stuff out. Suffice it to say lifetime has nothing on my mother's story. He left town promising to come back for her. She said she would wait. Then my father asked her to marry him. She did, and I honestly believe she did love him, just not as much as a wife should love her husband. I know that when she married him she never thought Chase would come back. Isn't life strange? Certainly it's filled with sharp curves. Chase came back for her.....on their wedding night. Ain't life just grand. She stayed married to my father though for 5 years. My mother had 3 children and I know that she loved as much as she was capable, some of her children more than others. She just wasn't the type of person who should have raised children or been married for that matter. My mother was wild, like an eagle. She was easy on the eyes, never wore a bra, liked to play pool, could drink a Russian under the table and still be sober(heaven help you when she got drunk though), and I can only remember her smiling a few time in my life. She loved Richard Pryor, Barry White, and would eat anything if it had mayo on it. No one could tell stories like my mother. She would have you mesmerized for hours. When it rained she always let us go outside and play in it and would wait at the door for us with towels. She never opened the curtains or the blinds and she hated sunlight. She came alive when the sun went down. She liked to eat blt's and dipped everything in butter. I know she loved me. She always told me to remember when she was at her worst that she loved me. I'm not sure there was ever a time my mother wasn't in emotional pain. She had a temper that would make you cower in corner screaming for mercy. However, as bad as she was, there was no one better in her finer moments. She was generous to a fault, always gave money or food the homeless, and when you least expected it, she would surprise you and do something so kind or cool. She died when I was 17, one month before Miri was born. I took to bed for days, and my husband held me the whole time. Whenever I think of the ups and downs of marriage and the complete asshole my husband can be, I remember him holding me 8 months pregnant while I cried. I kept screaming it hurt, and he would just rub my back and say, "I know baby". I don't miss my mother. I wish I could say I do. I'm just relieved she isn't hurting anymore. She was baptized when she was a teen, so I hope she is in a better place.
Tony was my step father, though if any man should have been called a father it was him. I.adored.him. I think my parents started off as friends long before it became anything more. I called him Tony until my mother died. She thought it was disrespectful for me to call him dad. She was wrong. I always regretted that. I wish my dad could have married a better woman. Unfortunately, he was madly in love with my mother. There was nothing in the world he would not do for her. She did not appreciate him at all. My dad was born with a physical disability. He had two fingers on each hand, and his arms were half of the normal length. It never stopped him though. He was in upper management for the postal service. He was there for every school function though he worked a ton of hours and traveled. I could talk to him about anything. He loved Elvis, did the grocery shopping, and drank diet cokes like they were water. Though I was not his bio daughter he never treated me any different. My dad loved me, and it was the greatest blessing of my life being raised by him. I only wish I could have been a better daughter. I never heard him say he loved me until I was an adult. My dad didn't like the mushy stuff. He always said show me you love me don't tell me. He never raised his voice, and he treated children like adults. Every July 2nd(the day before my bday) he took me to play miniature golf just me and him. It was the highlight of my year. Not one second of any day passed that I don't miss my dad. He died a few years ago after a long illness. He was the best grandpa my kids could have ever have had. He was understanding, always had time for them, and spoiled them just like he did me when I was a child. If I was awake at 2 a.m. and bored I could call my dad. He rarely slept and always had time for me. I miss that more than anyone could ever know. I miss my dad with ever fiber of my being. The world lost one hell of a good man when they lost him. I'm a lot like my father. I don't sleep well, never need an alarm clock to wake up, and I adore peach ice cream. Oskar's middle name is Joseph. That was my dad's middle name.
Friday, March 25, 2011
I was 14 and he was almost 19 when we got to together, and yes, I know that was too young, and so did he. Suffice it to say he was a gentleman. We were neighbors. I was young, silly, and in love, the kid of love that takes your breath away and defies any source of reason. I was never a reasonable person anyway. He had a truck, was a musician, and only wore black. He was nice to me, nicer than anyone I ever knew. He listened to me, was one of the first people that ever did. We dated for 1 year and 2 months, and one day out of the blue, he drove off, and it was over. There was no warning, no I think we should be friends, no I want to break up. He looked at me, walked away, and drove off. I could take loosing a boyfriend I think, but it was really hard loosing my best friend. I did Emo in all it's glory.
I went to bed, refused to eat, and I'll never forget it was November. I hated winter every day since. My mother grew worried. I would overhear her talking to my grandmother. Grandma's soup appeared, my favorite. They begged me to eat. I lost a lot of weight. I was never really big to begin with, a junior size 13. I went out and bought pink things, lots of colored clothes, and I dated the first boy that came my way, a preppy little thing. I was 15. He kissed me on our first date and I cried the entire time. Like I said, I did emo proud just without the black.
A year later I met my husband.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Saving the world before bedtime has a little more meaning. So I've been told my entire life I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I can't change who I am, and I am at the point in my life I am too damn tired to care much about what others think even hubster. HE SAYS I can't save the world and wishes I would quit caring about everyone else which is translation for just worry about him ;) Isn't it funny that sometime the things that make someone fall in love are the exact things they want to change? So since he says I can't save the world, I tell him to sit back and watch me try. After all if I don't try to save the world who the hell else will? I figure it all starts with one person then another and on. Most people know by now that telling me I can't do anything only makes me more determined. Besides I gotta lot of bad karma to make up for. So if I don't go to bed exhausted and feeling like I gave everything I had to give, I'm not doing this life thing right. I can't take anything with me when I go, and I'll be damned if I'll be forgotten. So I AM going to try and save the world before bedtime, and that's all I have to say about that.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Hello, I'm Shea Elizabeth. I'm many things, but first and foremost I'm a Christian. I'm also have four amazing kids. This August I will have been married for 15 years to man who drives me insane on a daily basis. He works very hard for our family and for the majority of our marriage worked 2-3 jobs, and I have to tell him I'm grateful very often or he forgets ;) I'm a nurse as well, but I try not to talk about work, it just pays some of the bills.
1. I don't eat pork.
2. I'm scared to death of mice. It is my worst fear.
3. I'm a very tolerant person. I have friends of all religions, races, sexual orientations, and beliefs. I'm okay with that. I don't bash them, and I don't expect them to judge me either.
4. I like everything fast and hot. My food is usually boiling and foot is very heavy. I NEED a red corvette badly (don't confuse want with need I NEED it )
5. I don't like people who brag about things. I figure if you have to brag you can't be very good at what you're talking about.
6. Riches don't impress me. In fact, I don't really like rich people. I'm what you might call a reverse snob.
7. I adore African food, Ethiopian food especially. I don't like injera though, and I feel weird about that lol.
8. Swimming is my most favorite thing in the world!!
9. I love to take cruises. We are hopefully going on our 3rd one later this year.
10. I love Strawberries and Champagne Victoria Secrets Lotion. It is my signature scent.
11. I'm not a girlie girl, but I clean up rather nicely. People look weird at me when I do, and it makes me wonder just how bad I look the rest of the time.
12. I've eaten escargot and I loved it.
13. I'm not against socialism and that surprises people, not necessarily for it but not against it. I especially am in favor of socialized medicine. I think Germany has a great system.
14. I could not live without my fax machine. I l.o.v.e. it.
15. I have 2 walk in closets in my bedroom. One is filled with gifts year round in preparation for xmas and birthdays.
Day 1-Introduce, recent picture, 15 interesting facts
Day 2-Meaning behind your blog name
Day 3-Your first love
Day 4-Your parents
Day 5-Your siblings
Day 6-A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 7-Favorite movies
Day 8-A place you’ve traveled to
Day 9-A picture of your friends
Day 10-Something you’re afraid of
Day 11-Favorite TV shows
Day 12-What you believe
Day 14-A picture you love
Day 15-Bible verse
Day 16-Dream house
Day 17-Something you’re looking forward to
Day 18-Something you regret
Day 19-Something you miss
Day 21-Picture of yourself
Day 22-Favorite city
Day 23-Favorite vacation
Day 24-Something you’ve learned
Day 25-Favorite memory
Day 26-Picture of your family
Day 28-Something that stresses you out
Day 29-3 Wishes
Day 30-a picture
Sunday, March 20, 2011
See I'm not a very good person and not a good Christian at all. I'm prideful, stubborn, sinful, have an awful temper, and I never accept anything from anyone without looking behind me. I never received anything in life without having to fight for it. My own mother in her misguided attempt to make me strong would stand before me and try to break me down and taught me how to hurt without letting anyone see me cry. Yet, I always knew God loved me, but being me I would never take that 'gift' without paying back as much as possible. I don't try to 'save the world before midnight' for altruistic reasons. It is a simple matter of pride.
Still, Gaila's words cut deep into me. The thought that free was free was an exhilarating feeling. Then the weight of that gift came crashing down on me. I realized that there was nothing I would ever do or be able to earn to pay it back. That's when I learned to give more. The thought of God looking down on me smiling while shaking his head has never been far from my mind. I know he looks at me with amazement because he wrote everything down in this book called the bible and I still manage to get it all wrong.
Life doesn't have to be this hard; we just make it that way. Love doesn't have to be a struggle; we just expect too much back in return. Grace doesn't have to be earned; it can't be. There is nothing my children can do to earn my love. They had it from the first time they drew their breath, even Oskar and my heart daughter in Estonia. Though I am miserable at being the person God intends me to be, he loves me anyway. He loves you too, you know.
It's a pretty powerful thing to know your purpose on this earth, and I have known mine from the time I learned about God at 5 years old. I was brought here to love and be loved. It's not a matter of whether I deserve it or not; of course I don't. Still, it is what it is. No matter how many times we fall, we are still children of someone much better than we can hope to be. You can call him by any name you want, and the damn powerful thing about it all is you don't have to even acknowledge it. You can chose not to believe in him in any shape or form. Like the air you don't see, God will still be there. I know this like I know my soul. When I look inside I see darkness, but a dim light always shines. It guides me back when I fall, and believe me, I fall more than anyone could ever know. If there is a sin, I have pretty much been there.
Thank you Gaila for teaching me what grace meant. It's a pretty rare thing in this world to see the face of God, and because I'm the kind of person who needs it, God shows it from time to time to me. He stands above me shaking his head willing to give me just one more chance, knowing all the while 1 will turn into a thousand. I'm not going to invite you to pray and receive Christ like some people do, but Christ is so powerful and good, I hope you will want to know him.. I'm not going to tell you if you are going to hell. I'm not going to judge you; God is quite good at his job without me taking over. I'm not here to preach to you. You won't hear me tell you to go to church. God is not always found under roofs. I'm just here to remind you that if you ever feel alone, if you ever need to be loved, it is so much closer than you can imagine. When you accept grace powerful things happen. Life is a pretty hard thing to live alone. One needs all the help they can get. So it's there if you want it. God waits very patiently, and he is very good at it. He is quite the gentleman and never barges in uninvited, and I think that makes me want to know him even more ;)
Friday, March 11, 2011
Andy: That 'boy' is keeping me on the edge of my seat. He has changed his major for maybe the 6th time and blown up the engine in his car. We just got it fixed yesterday though, so all is good in his little world. Plus he found a GREAT deal on an ipad, so my little techi is smiling.
Miri: My baby girl is almost 16, and I don't know how the hell that happened. She works really hard on her grades though, ad for the first time in her life I am going to surprise her. She reads my blog occasionally so I can't spill the beans. That girl is the most stubborn person I know next to myself. However, she is working really hard on school. She babysits from time to time and is trying to decide what she wants to be when she grows up. She is looking onto fields that don't involve people lol.
AJ: My sweet little nonni has had a hard time fitting into an 8 year old body. She has had a lot of jealousy about O, but I try very hard to give her lots of mommy and me time. Mostly I think she just.....feels weird. She has lost over 10 pounds and shot up inches in height it seems like over night. She is always hungry and wants to be cool like Miri. She thinks being 8 stinks and is little fun. She does love karate though and it surprises me how good at it she is. She told someone the other day people didn't take her seriously because she was a girl but they would one day!
Oskar or Oz as his father calls him: Little man is struggling. He thinks AJ gets all the attention lol and will not for the life of him admit to her that he loves her. However, he tells me all the time he does and watches her sleep. He thinks it stinks that she gets to be older and still sees it as his job to look over her. He takes being a brother seriously and makes sure she has her seat belt on, etc. He also makes sure that Miri's boyfriend doesn't kiss Miri lol. He has recently decided that Daddy is super cool and wants to be just like him. His English is excellent and he is doing better in school. He loves every second of life and often has a big smile on his face. He worries about everyone. He heard me one day say it was to busy at work for me to eat lunch, so now he wants to know if I ate. He is very excited about summer coming too!
Me: Winter has been hard. One day I will move somewhere it never snows or gets cold. I've been kind of achy this past season and am thrilled spring is here! It makes my heart happy. I'm still working full time and trying hard to get it all done around here. Each day I think of something I have forgotten, but hey, that always leaves room for improvement. At least I never get bored. Pretty soon it will be time to go swimming, to the park, the zoo, have barbecues and all the other fun stuff summer brings. Just thinking about it makes me smile.
Hubs: He works and does it well. That pretty much sums that up. Pretty soon his schedule will get better and I hope he will have more time to enjoy life and everything around him. He is trying really hard to give us everything we want and need, and I am VERY grateful for his weekly contributions to our bank account ;)
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
I decided I needed to learn more about dry wall
Miri told me her boyfriend was really 18 and not 17
I decided that since she was honest that should count for something
A.J. told me today that she had a secret and that her best friend had asthma but said she could tell me
I was flattered that I was seen as a confidant by both girls
My husband worked 32 out of the last 36 hours, but he still took me to dinner tonight
I made up my mind not to complain about being tired for a while
O never ever sits still
I thought about how often I am lazy
Miri stayed up late this week to make me beignets and destroyed the kitchen
I thought about how lucky I was to have a daughter who would cook for me
I was told to be afraid of O and not give my heart so easily
I decided only cowards let fear keep them from loving with reckless abandon
A.J. told me that she is going to pray for God to change things
I was ashamed that an 8 year old had more faith than I did
O's principal told me that honestly she could not tell me if O was being bad because in her eyes he did no wrong
I had confirmation that my son was more loved than even I could see
A.J. makes sure O eats his veggies and put a clothes pin on his nose when he takes his breathing treatments
I am amazed that I have such a caring daughter to make sure her brother takes his medicine right
Miri only asks for something after she has given something in return, for instance a trip to the mall is worth doing chores
I raised a daughter that knows that nothing is free in life
My husband works 2 jobs and 6 days a week
I know that he hates to see me go without anything I want or need
I have a son that hates sitting anywhere unless he is in my lap
I make him feel safe and secure; noting is more flattering than that
I have a family that demands above and beyond from me
They must trust me an awfully lot to expect so much
I have friends that have given more support and love than any family member ever did
I now know that blood means nothing
I lost my temper and yelled at O the other day for being wild,then his lip puckered and he cried, but he forgave me
I know I can't hold grudges anymore
America and Estonia trusted me enough to raise a little boy more precious than any jewel
I must be stronger than I think
I have 4 children
I am richer than Bill Gates
Andy wanted to take me to lunch the other day
Even at 21 he still likes me, and that is so cool
Every day I get the chance to start all over and do a better job
God loves me enough that he never gives up on me
Monday, February 21, 2011
I've thought of a million different letters to write to you over the course of the last 15 months. I've thought of your sweet baby skin, your big blue eyes, but most of all I think about how I can't love you. I remember holding you in my arms for the first and only time and never knowing I could feel such pain on what was one of the happiest days of my life, your brother's adoption into our family. Shawn wanted to take pictures, so I smiled because you were beautiful, and I smiled because I would never ever be seen crying while you were in my arms.
You came into the world surprising a good many people in Estonia and America. No one knew you existed, and you were the sweetest tiny little doll baby. Yet I was on the other side of adoption. I was an adoptive mother. Until the moment I held you, I have to admit, I knew very little about what it would feel like to give a child up. How amazing is it that in a few seconds of holding you that my heart would crumble and you would find a way in. I held you for mere moments, and as much as I swore I wouldn't, I fell in love. A few precious moments, and I had to hand you back to the social worker at your orphanage, and I had to walk away.
Shawn and I said goodbye to Raili, and took your brother into Igor's car and we drove away. Oskar was so happy, but me and Shawn had huge lumps in our throats. I remember seeing Shawn cry(a rare thing) and hearing him pray so quietly asking God why he had to put such a burden on his heart. Leaving you there was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Driving away felt like my heart was being ripped out. I made up my mind right then and there that Oskar would have the best of everything. Since I wasn't able to give you anything, he would have everything we had to give.
Your brother has been one of the most wonderful gifts I could have ever asked for. He is the most loving and perfect son a mother could want to have. One day when you are older you will be so proud of the person he is. He has changed so many hearts and opened so many doors to help other children find homes. He has blazed a trail and no one ever touched by him will ever be the same. He is good and a child of God.
I am a better person because of him, and I know that God gave him to me because he loved me, pure and simple.
As complete as he makes me, there is still you. A little girl half way around the world sits waiting and not belonging to anyone, but in my heart.........you belong to me. I've never said those worlds to anyone. I've said you are cute, that we hope to bring you home, but I never told a single soul that I love you because for 15 months I have tried hard not to. Since love is a choice I decided I would guard my heart this one time and not step blindly in. I tried very hard, and in the end, I failed by choice.
I made one fatal mistake when holding you; I held you with a mother's arms. I held you gently, and I breathed you in. I dreamed for you, I longed for you, and I hurt for you the way a mother does for her child. Once one gives their heart away completely, it no longer belongs to them self. I chose to love you, and I will never be the same. It is true that you may never be my daughter, but I will love you as a mother for the rest of my life.
So here it is for all the world to see. Here is my heart opened wide, and it is only fair that I say this openly for I kept it to myself for so very long. I'm taking a very big risk loving you. I may very likely end up with a broken heart, but I only know how to love one way, and that is with all I am. So for whatever it is worth, I belong to you. I will wait, and I will pray, and I will try once again to be patient. One day I hope we meet again. I hope I can tell you things I was so afraid to whisper in your ear. I hope I have a chance to redeem myself in your eyes. God doesn't like cowards very much, I'm afraid. So I am going to try and be brave. Enjoy the pretty things I have sent you. After all, an Eesti Princess deserves the best, doesn't she?
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
I'll never be a size 7.
I'll never like a salad.
I'll never listen to the blues without smiling.
I'll never listen to someone trash Memphis without defending her.
I'll never make my kids go to sleep at 8.
I'll never make my children conform to most social expectations.
I'll never throw anything at my children.
I'll never be the first to let go when giving a hug if I can help it.
I'll never feel I loved enough in this life.
I'll never eat mustard or sauerkraut again, but I did long ago.
I'll never put up with people lying to my face.
I'll never believe anyone who says they love me unless they prove it.
I'll never be afraid of anything without trying to confront it, except mice.
I'll never like winter.
I'll never live up north.
I'll never like bread more than cornbread.
I'll never take a warm shower, has to be hot.
I'll never use cinnamon toothpaste.
I'll never believe that love can't save someone.
I'll never take no for an answer if it's something I want.