Monday, February 21, 2011

A little girl

Dear P.V.R.,

I've thought of a million different letters to write to you over the course of the last 15 months. I've thought of your sweet baby skin, your big blue eyes, but most of all I think about how I can't love you. I remember holding you in my arms for the first and only time and never knowing I could feel such pain on what was one of the happiest days of my life, your brother's adoption into our family. Shawn wanted to take pictures, so I smiled because you were beautiful, and I smiled because I would never ever be seen crying while you were in my arms.

You came into the world surprising a good many people in Estonia and America. No one knew you existed, and you were the sweetest tiny little doll baby. Yet I was on the other side of adoption. I was an adoptive mother. Until the moment I held you, I have to admit, I knew very little about what it would feel like to give a child up. How amazing is it that in a few seconds of holding you that my heart would crumble and you would find a way in. I held you for mere moments, and as much as I swore I wouldn't, I fell in love. A few precious moments, and I had to hand you back to the social worker at your orphanage, and I had to walk away.

Shawn and I said goodbye to Raili, and took your brother into Igor's car and we drove away. Oskar was so happy, but me and Shawn had huge lumps in our throats. I remember seeing Shawn cry(a rare thing) and hearing him pray so quietly asking God why he had to put such a burden on his heart. Leaving you there was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Driving away felt like my heart was being ripped out. I made up my mind right then and there that Oskar would have the best of everything. Since I wasn't able to give you anything, he would have everything we had to give.

Your brother has been one of the most wonderful gifts I could have ever asked for. He is the most loving and perfect son a mother could want to have. One day when you are older you will be so proud of the person he is. He has changed so many hearts and opened so many doors to help other children find homes. He has blazed a trail and no one ever touched by him will ever be the same. He is good and a child of God.
I am a better person because of him, and I know that God gave him to me because he loved me, pure and simple.

As complete as he makes me, there is still you. A little girl half way around the world sits waiting and not belonging to anyone, but in my belong to me. I've never said those worlds to anyone. I've said you are cute, that we hope to bring you home, but I never told a single soul that I love you because for 15 months I have tried hard not to. Since love is a choice I decided I would guard my heart this one time and not step blindly in. I tried very hard, and in the end, I failed by choice.

I made one fatal mistake when holding you; I held you with a mother's arms. I held you gently, and I breathed you in. I dreamed for you, I longed for you, and I hurt for you the way a mother does for her child. Once one gives their heart away completely, it no longer belongs to them self. I chose to love you, and I will never be the same. It is true that you may never be my daughter, but I will love you as a mother for the rest of my life.

So here it is for all the world to see. Here is my heart opened wide, and it is only fair that I say this openly for I kept it to myself for so very long. I'm taking a very big risk loving you. I may very likely end up with a broken heart, but I only know how to love one way, and that is with all I am. So for whatever it is worth, I belong to you. I will wait, and I will pray, and I will try once again to be patient. One day I hope we meet again. I hope I can tell you things I was so afraid to whisper in your ear. I hope I have a chance to redeem myself in your eyes. God doesn't like cowards very much, I'm afraid. So I am going to try and be brave. Enjoy the pretty things I have sent you. After all, an Eesti Princess deserves the best, doesn't she?



  1. I'm proud of you Shea. I hope this happens for you.

  2. Sniff sniff. So is this an announcement or just a wish?

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  4. And miracles you shall have, if and when this little girl becomes available. I FEEL that for you. If it can be, it will be.

  5. Good heavens.... How painful to read - and what you must feel! I died a thousand deaths when, upon arriving to adopt our 7 year old Anastasia, we found that her 4 year old brother was already adopted by another family. How I've tried to find him! If only to help her deal with the loss of "her" baby. But, I never saw Denis. I can't image how I'd ache if I had seen him. I know that our Anastasia is a radish if ever there was one, but she's come so far. How I hope that Denis' parents know how to love him, how to be patient and loving.

    Mother's hearts don't take distance well.

    Don't you have some sort of preference, since this baby is related to Oskar?

  6. I am sure that this is not the end of story. And you wrote about that. I will never understand how it is possible that officials separate siblings. During WWII my mother’s family was separated. She’s brother lived in USA and sisters in Australia. Soviet regime never let permission for reunion. Anyway we always knew that they are our relatives and members of our family.

  7. Charissa, we will not add to our family until we know about the Eesti Princess unless we decide there will always be room for her. She is not legally free for adoption. We do not know when and if she will be. We do not know if she will go to Estonia, Sweden, or be offered to the United States. The only thing I do know is that of she becomes available, it is going to take miracles to get her home.

  8. Annie, we won't know until she is legally free. All we can do is wait until we hear something. We have told everyone possible that we are interested. However, we know the cards are stacked against us for lots of reasons. I am praying for the best but trying to be prepared that things might not be what we want them to be. It's so funny, when I found O I knew I would never need anything else. We had NO intentions of adopting ever again. I wasn't trying to find a child to adopt after all, I was looking for my perfect O. So until I held his two week old sister in my arms, it never occurred to me that we might go down this road again. I would understand if they wanted her kept in her native country, but I pray that someone will want her kept with her brother. Oskar needs her and says he wants her. He says she is his baby. Before we ever told him about her he kept asking for his baby girl. One time we went to eat and he asked a lady if he could have her baby girl, so somehow down deep he knew he was missing someone.

  9. BUT it's not as if we just want her for Oskar, we want her to be with her family, and O is her family. She belongs here I think :) She will be treasured, loved, and taught to love Estonia just like Oskar does. He says he will go home(Estonia) one day and get married and adopt 10 kids. I smile and tell him I sure hope so.