Monday, May 24, 2010
How do you go back to the person you were before? How do you think about buying a new car when you know the cost of one is equal to that of a child's life? How do you even think about buying a dooney and burke purse or dolce and gabbana pair of sunglasses(all things I was partial to) when you know how material things just don't matter anymore? How do explain that cruises and Hawaii vacations that used to be so important don't matter anymore at all? How do I get people to understand that nothing is the same for me? The way I see the world and the things that are important in my life have all shifted. How is it possible that a little 5 year old boy that can play with a straw or stick for hours and find joy has changed me this much? How can I get anyone to understand that I spent my life waiting to be his mother, and when that happened, everything that was once so dull came into focus. How can I be more patient and less judgemental with those who don't understand? How can I keep from screaming that the perfect healthy child is just a myth? We are all flawed, some of us just have our flaws written on paper. How do I admit to my husband that one of the reasons I keep O in private school is because it's only a few streets away from my work and it makes me ill to think of him being too far away? Will anyone understand that when he is with me, I feel whole, as if what I was searching for my entire life was just waiting in Estonia to be found? When I look at my children all together I know that it was meant to be exactly like this. I know who I am, and I am becoming who I want to be, and each day I have to pinch myself because God loves me so very much.