Dear Kristiina,

He asked for you. I knew it was only a matter of time. I waited for the day to come. He talked about you with his sister this week when I wasn't around. He cried saying you were not able to take care of him. I did not bring it up; I waited for him to ask me. A few days later he wanted to talk about you. He wants to know you. He says he wished he could be a baby again so he could just see you. He calls you his mom. He asked if you were still sick, and I said I did not think so. His whole face lit up and he smiled so eager and asked if he could go see you then.

I'm not sure what is the right thing to say. I don't know what you would wish me to tell him, and I don't feel like I can speak for you and your choices. I only know you gave him life, left him somewhere safe, and if that is not love, I don't know what is. I don't feel threatened like I wondered if I might. I'm not afraid he won't love me too. I just feel pain. There is nothing I would not do for our son, but he wants you, and I can't give him that. I don't know how. I don't have a picture, a letter, or even know anything about you. I don't know what makes you laugh, what you are afraid of, or what your childhood was like. I have nothing to give him but myself.

Sometimes I feel like I am chasing a ghost. I imagine in his eyes you are perfect and wonderful. That's okay too, mother's should be that way to their children. I hope one day I will be able to find out more about you, something good and comforting that will give Oskar peace. I'm not sure you can imagine how great my love is for him. Of course, you have your own feelings, but I fought for him. I sacrificed, and I gave up everything I had to get him home. Yet, I know you gave up part of yourself to let him go. I never forget that either. I still love him enough for you too.

Oskar saved me. He brought back my faith in humanity. He reminded me that God loves me. I only hope one day he can give those gifts to you as well. Whether you know it or not, you are missing out on one hell of a child. His smile will brighten the darkest day. His mischievousness will make you laugh until you cry. His imagination leaves you scratching your head. His kindness will surprise you. His love makes you feel like one of the luckiest people in the world because he makes you earn it. To be in Oskar's world you have to work at it, but once you are in his heart, you stay there forever. I put you in his heart, you know. I told him only good things about you, even though I know so little. It was my gift to you in return for what you gave me.


One day I hope the two of you will at least know more about each other. Until then I try and be the best mother I can be to our son.

Taking a break

I'll be off facebook for a while, not posting on my blog, and I am considering not using my phone either. I'll be back though after my retreat so to say. I'll have to check in on the net occasionally though because I have some things to order and bills I pay online. Take care :)

One day I will write about my mother, one day......not today.........

Dancing

Sometimes I feel guilty. I hear other's struggles in the adoption community, and I feel bad. I wonder why ours went so well. I think about O, and I wonder if I paint this rosy picture, if I make stuff unrealistic. It isn't like he is really perfect. We do have behavioral challenges. Our other kids have had adjustment issues as well. I guess though......nothing really seemed that big....to me. It might have to another family though. See, having already raised Andy, I knew about challenges. I expected the worst, and when I didn't get it, I was fine with whatever came along. I fought so hard for O. It was more than paperwork and money, red tape and delays, tears and prayers. More than anything, I almost lost everything during our adoption, and yes, I mean EVERYTHING. I learned to relinquish my pride. Few know what I did to bring my son home, and few ever will. Not many would do what I did, but I made a promise, and if you can't keep a promise to an orphan, then I really believe you fall apart inside. My son was worth it, and he still would have been worth it if he was a rotten mean little spit fire. After all, who defines worth? God does. So, though I have a lot of holes in the walls, a kid with adhd whose favorite words right now are barnacle butt, it's all good. I didnt ask for a perfect child or even a well behaved one, though he does try. I asked God for Oskar and the chance to love him. I promised if he would bring my son home, I could handle the rest, and so I did. I find though when things get hard and he spirals out of control, he stops if I can just touch him or look in his eyes. He knows....Oskar knows I think he hung the moon and stars, and in return, he allows himself to belong to me. We belong together I think. We were born to be together. I could not imagine a more perfect fit. Though we have a million flaws, together we work. Oskar is who he is. I'm only here to watch his back and show him God's love, so everything falls into place. I don't worry about much. He will be just fine, and so will we all.18 months of pain, pure heartwrenching pain to bring him home, nothing hurts much after that. One touch from him, and I am healed. After all this time I still look at him and am amazed that God loved me so much that he gave me a perfect miracle. I don't deserve to be loved and trusted so much. My sweet dear little boy, little O, my dream come true.

Yep, Santa comes in JUNE!



Isn't it every little boy and girl's dream to go to disneyland???? Well it happened!!

Giveaway

http://thekramerfamilysite.blogspot.com/2011/06/humbled.html




Copy and paste this for a cool giveaway. An adopting family is giving away a camcorder and asking for donations to bring their precious little home!