Miri turns 15

Dearest first daughter,

In true Shea fashion your birthday will not be just one day. It started last night with your massive cake and daddy's chili pie. In a little while we take you to a football game and to try the new chinese restaurant. Your grandpa and grandma are coming to town to celebrate with us. Next week we will do your bonfire party with friends and you will get the rest of your presents, and of course another cake. Remember though you did not get flowers from me last night, you did get diamonds. Anyone who knows you will laugh because of course you deserve nothing less!

I want most of all to thank you for being my daughter and letting me be your mother. I know I am not a typical mother and as I often told you, my children did not come with rule books, and I am doing the best I can along the way. I know that we expect more from you than many parents, but you set the bar on that one kid, you always expected more out of yourself. It seems like yesterday I was meeting with your kindergarden teacher. I recall her saying it was test time and she heard you talking and came up behind you to hear you say, "I can not make the same mistake, I can not make the same mistake".

When you were little I always said you were hell on wheels. You refused to change for anyone and almost got thrown out of pre school. You had no intentions of being put in the early reader class if it meant missing time in the gymnasium. I was certain that you would be suspended in elementary school too. You got in so many fights! However, they were for defending others and standing up to bullies. I don't remember you ever fighting for yourself.

That was how I raised you. I knew God gave you an extra loud voice, so I taught you to use it for good. I never knew it would be to hit so many boys though! Somehow for you it worked. The bus drivers never punished you, and the teachers looked the other way. You were always loved, and people were afraid to pick on others in front of you because they knew they would get knocked around a bit. I'm happy though to see it is happening less, and you are using your wit to defend people now instead of your fists.

15 years goes by in the blink of an eye. I am having a hard time seeing you grow up, and you are having a hard time being patient with me. For your entire life I have been trying to protect you, and you always seem to be yelling that you can do it quite nicely on your own. You never held my hand when you learned to walk, and you did not ask for help unless you had exhausted every other option. One day you will learn that my will is just as strong as yours. Maybe you will slow down a little and hear my voice from time to time.

I love you Miri. Having you has made me a better person. Seeing your strength has made me proud, but always know that I am here to be strong for you too. Your years may increase, but I will always be your mother, and you are my baby. No one can take your place. You are my first daughter, the first child I ever loved as a mother. You are beautiful, kind, smart, and a child of God. From the moment I gave birth to you, I promised you back to him. Slow down baby, and always remember that you don't have to be perfect. He is perfect enough for all of us.

Momma

I'm more than just my children,

I don't talk or write very much about my mother. Seems like if I have nothing nice to say I should not say anything at all. That's not really fair because she did have good qualities, few and far, but everyone has good in them. I digress though. My mother's life was not about her children. It was a sad life and she lived only in the past. My mother was put into the foster care system at age 13, and her life before then was not anything nice to talk about. I'm not exactly sure why she chose to have children or keep them, but there were 3 of us. Still, we were not the most important part of her life, we mostly just took up space in her world, and anything good that happened to or for us came at a cost. When I had children I decided all of that would be different. I made my life all about my babies. Every choice I have made as an adult surrounds them and what is best for them. Unfortunately, that comes at a cost. I have not and do not take very good care of myself. I have few guilty pleasures and have trouble buying much of anything for myself. I think all of that is going to change. Last night we went van shopping. We are not going to buy something right away, but we are looking. Right beside the vans was a convertible. Suddenly it hit me, I am buying the van for my kids, so they can be comfortable. My whole life has been for them, maybe it's about time I include myself it in it too. Stay posted, things are going to change. They may be small things, but I am going to start doing something for myself because one thing is for certain, if I don't do it, it's probably not going to happen :)

My miri

O's favorite song

Okay, so sometimes I kind of get frustrated. I just want my kids to be appreciative, which most of the time they really are. I gave O a supplement shake which he loves. We had been out for several weeks. He got so excited and asked me why did I do that, why did I buy them for him. Every day with him is a gift. Miri is a teenager and convinced I know nothing. BUT she does help me so much around the house. She also surprises me sometimes and just does little things to make my life easier. She makes the little's lunch every day. A.J., well no one is like drama momma. 90% of any issues with her related back to her ocd. She gets so focused on 1 thing of her choosing that she rarely can think of anything else. An example: if you tell A.J. you are going on vacation, she is packed a month in advance. So any time we do anything special, even like riding bikes, we have to tell her right before. We have had friends who asked A.J. a few days before we were due to go on a trip was she looking forward to vacation. A.J. will look at me and ask if we are going somewhere because we still haven't told her yet lol. Andy is grown or so he thinks. Bubba is 21 now and has just figured out that being on his won is not much fun. No problem though, I will always have his back. Hubs is....well, there is no one quite like him. I'll just leave it at that :)

Sometimes I wonder. I wonder if my children will ever know just how hard I try to do my best for them. I wonder if they really comprehend that I only work to give them the things they want. All of income from my checks go straight to private school tuition, karate, horses, movies, mall trips, college books, gas for Andy and help with his bills. Every other week I go out and buy myself lunch(a cheap one usually from the dollar menu) or maybe a kids meal for breakfast. That's it. I am not complaining. I adore my babies, I just wish they would appreciate the things I do for them a little more. It hurts to see them take the things I work so hard to given them for granted. It hurts for them to think I am too strict, and it seems like as much as I give, it is never enough. Being a mother is hard, being a good mother is even harder............

Karate!

The littles are doing Karate. O spends a good amount of time getting in trouble, but he is doing better each time, and I am super proud of him. He is also enjoying kindergarten. I swear he gets cuter every day. A.J. is growing like a weed. She skipped right over size 7 clothes and now wear an 8! Her hair is growing out too, and she is so sweet. Well they both the littles are sweet when they are not trying to defeat the other one. O is eating as much as he can stuff in him so he can be bigger than A.J. He wears size 5's and has a way to go. He has barely gained any weight. He wants so badly to be older than her too. Miri is in high school. I am now officially crazy and mean because I do not want her to date until she turns 17. Oh well, she can get over it. She is causing quite the stir in her journalism class. She wants to write an article and have it published in the school paper against sexual harassment....against heteros and homosexuals. She has a new dear friend who is a boy and is getting picked on horribly for being different. Miri says no one should be judged whether it goes against her religion or not. She has promised if her friend continues to get picked on, she will fight the next football player who makes fun of him. I reminded her that she is a GIRL, but she assured me that she can take a boy. We shall see.... Andy is doing way better. He got some wonderful news that will set him free after 18 months. He feels like he can become more focused now on school, and maybe one day will graduate. Big poppa's and my 14th anniversary is coming up. WOW! That is a long time to put up with someone. I can not believe we managed to stay married after all these years. You could not tell me a few years ago that we would still be together lol. Anyway, we both took off to celebrate Monday that we aren't divorced yet. I have no illusions of romance and all that crap, but I have to say we have raised some amazing kiddos together, and if that isn't something to celebrate, I don't know what would be. We are very happy that our kids are doing so well, and together we really have achieved a lot. So that's my update on my little family. It sounds funny to me when people think that 4 kids it a lot. Our family feels small to me.